The Breakfast Club: The 15 Minute Spoof
by Sadie Lovegood
Summary: Every other fandom I've traveled to has one...now it's our turn! The Breakfast Club as told through the eyes of the only person on earth more insane than Allison is...ME! Please be kind in reviews, I'm not my best as a comedic writer!


"**The Breakfast Club: 15 Minute Spoof"**

_**A/N: **It's kinda slow on here, I'm all alone for three weeks on campus, no one's reviewing my SEF fic (KRISTEN), and I'm bored as hell. Looking around, pretty much every category/fandom has a 15-minute spoof by now. OUR TURN!!! Review me and be positive, please. Remember, I'm not at my best in the comedy field! _

_**Rating: T+ for cursing and other stuff like that, okay?

* * *

**_

_(Brian's Voice:) _

BRIAN: Dear Mr. Vernon, we accept the fact that we had to sacrifice a whole Saturday for whatever we did wrong, but we think you're crazy making us write an essay telling you who we think we are. You see us as you want to see us…

_(Claire's car with her Dad:)_

CLAIRE: Oh my god, where's that voice coming from?!

MR. STANDISH: Chill out, Molly. For the LAST time, you didn't get the part of the Basketcase girl, so move on for God's sake!

CLAIRE: I'd rather be necking a smelly rebel in a closet than be here today!

MR. STANDISH: Baby, I promise I'll buy you a thousand dollar's worth of things at the mall tonight.

CLAIRE: Oh, yay! _(looks at the school) _Oh crap…

_(Brian's Car with his sister and mom)_

MRS. JOHNSON: Is this the first or the last time you do this?

BRIAN: …first…

MRS. JOHNSON: Well get in there and—huh?

BRIAN: I'm trying to pave way for sequels, ma!

MRS. JOHNSON: Look, sonny, just get in there before I miss my Botox appointment!

SISTER JOHNSON: YA!

_(Andy's Car with his father:)_

MR. CLARK: Get in there, boy! And I wanna see you into that school in ten seconds or I'll make you run from here to Chicago, boy! Move it! Move it! One, two, one, two!

ANDY: Grrr….

_(Meanwhile, behind them, John walks to school…)_

OFFSCREEN MUSIC: _I'm too sexy for my car, too sexy for my car, too sexy by far!_

JOHN: Hey jackass! I asked for SCARY entrance music, not SEXY entrance music…although I must say it DOES define me pretty well…

KRISTEN and SADIE: --swoon!-- He's SOO sexy!

JOHN: Thanks, ladies! I'll make sure you guys make it into my wallet now!

KRISTEN and SADIE: YAY!

JOHN: Outsider my ass! I'm so popular I have a harem!

_(Allison gets out of her car:) _

ALLISON: Oh, do you guys have my sanity medication? I must have forgotten—

_(Car zooms off, running over Allison's foot)_

ALLISON: GAAAAAAAH! Son of a ----!! YOU -----!!! YOU -------GUYS CALL YOURSELVES ------ACTORS? You're more like a pair of -------!!!!!!!

JOHN HUGHES: Cut! Take two!

_(Allison gets out of her car…again:) _

ALLISON: I'm out of here! _(She rushes into the school before the car can zoom away)_

_(Inside the Library, everyone is sitting down in their spots as Vernon comes in:)_

VERNON: Fuck you.

BRIAN: Oh goodness!

VERNON: Sit down pricks and write an essay telling me who the hell you think you are! I'll be in my office getting high…I mean, doing stuff…I mean…ah, FUCK YOU! Especially you, Bender! You suck twice as bad as the rest of them!

JOHN: At least I suck anything at all!

VERNON: Bite me! _(Vernon leaves. Everyone looks around)_

JOHN: Hey Princess Cherry…wanna go under the bleachers and screw around for nine hours?

CLAIRE: Ew!

ANDY: Hey, watch your mouth around the ladies, you goddamn son of a bitch!

JOHN: Screw you!

ANDY: Screw you!

CLAIRE: Screw you!

BRIAN: Screw who?

ALLISON: Screw! _(holds up a long screw. Suddenly something off screen crashes)_

VERNON: _(off screen) _HOLY SHIT! WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DESK??

JOHN: Here we go again… _(Vernon storms in)_

VERNON: Bender, your ass is grass!

JOHN: It wasn't me! Screws fall out all the time, the world's an imperfect place!

VERNON: You get 8 detentions!

JOHN: Eat my short-shorts!

VERNON: Short-shorts? Psh! Who likes short-shorts anymore?

BRIAN, CLAIRE, ANDY: We like short-shorts!

VERNON: You're such a prick, Bender! Go to hell!

JOHN: How nice of you to invite me into your home, Dick!

VERNON: You are so mean! _(Vernon leaves, but turns back) _Lunchtime! You, Sporto, and you, Morticia Adams, go get soda!_ (Andy and Allison go walking down the hall)_

ANDY: Wanna talk to me?

ALLISON: I don't talk to cocky shit-heads.

ANDY: You just did.

ALLISON: Damn.

ANDY: I'm a winner.

ALLISON: Say what?

ANDY: I win like a racehorse.

KRISTEN: --giggle, snort-- Tee-hee!

_(Back in the library…Claire pulls out a box of sushi. Andy pulls out a crap load of food, everyone stares)_

ANDY: What? I'm a big boy now!

JOHN: _(takes BRIAN'S lunch) _What're we having, Hazel?

BRIAN: Lunch.

JOHN: No shit, Sherlock…_(digs into the bag and pulls things out) _a thermos of soup…a box of juice…a baggie of coke…hey, that's MINE!

BRIAN: Sorry. _(John smacks him in the head.)_

JOHN: Here's my impression of life at Big Bri's house…

BRIAN: What do you mean IMPRESSION? You just robbed our house last week!

JOHN: That wasn't me… _(looks around confused)_

ALLISON: Heh heh heh…_(quickly digs her face into her sandwich)_

CLAIRE: What exactly IS it like in your house, John?

JOHN: POW, POW! _(pretends to punch his face and swishes his hair back in a sexy manner)_

CLAIRE, ALLISON, BRIAN: --sigh!--

_(In the hallway…everyone is walking around. John holds a bag.)_

BRIAN: What's in the bag?

JOHN: Mayonnaise.

CLAIRE: What would you want with mayonnaise?

JOHN: Hey, a man has his secrets! _(Claire gags)_

ANDY: Mayonnaise…who'd have thought? What the hell do we need mayonnaise for?

JOHN: For the party later!

_(Vernon comes walking down the hall)_

BRIAN: Sugar-Honey-Iced-Tea! Here comes Vernon!

JOHN: _(slow-mo low-pitched yelling) _RRRRRRRRRUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

_(They start running.)_

VERNON: Whoa…who was that? _(sniffs the air) _And why do I smell mayonnaise?

_(The five get caught by a hallway barrier.)_

JOHN: I TOLD you going through the girl's locker room was a bad idea, Sporto!

CLAIRE: Why did you wanna go that way anyways, pervert?

ANDY: Hey, a man has his secrets!

BRIAN: Busted!

JOHN: Get the mayonnaise back to the library! I'll distract him! _(John stuffs the bag down Brian's pants and John runs off)_

BRIAN: This doesn't feel like mayonnaise…

_(In the gym…)_

VERNON: BENDER! WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?

JOHN: This, sir, is a basketball!

VERNON: Common, John, You're goin' in the Chokey!

JOHN: Not the Chokey!

_(Vernon shoves him in the closet behind his desk.)_

VERNON: You will pay for this! If my supervisor gets a hold of this…

JOHN: Kiss my ass!

VERNON: Ew, no thanks! One day, you're gonna be a lazy-good-for-nothing pimp!

JOHN: _(interested) _REALLY? I mean…oh god no…

VERNON: You're seriously fucked…_(slams the door on John. John puts a lit firecracker in Vernon's coat pocket, then leaps up into the crawl space above the ceiling and heads for the library…)_

JOHN: Spiderman, eat your fuckin' heart out!

_(Back in the library…the room's all smoky)_

BRIAN: it's DEFINITLEY not mayonnaise…but it sure as hell is fun!

ANDY: YAHOOLIGANS!!

CLAIRE: Allison, why aren't you joining us?

ALLISON: BUGS NOT DRUGS!

ANDY: Isn't it "hugs not drugs?"

ALLISON: Not where I'm from!

_(John suddenly comes hurling into the library from the ceiling)_

JOHN: Note to self: take the stairs next time…

CLAIRE: Oh John…about your stash of 'mayonnaise'…

BRIAN: We finished it off for ya…

JOHN: You owe me fifty bucks, nerd-o-manic-a-mania-ding-a-ling-face!

ANDY: Stick with neo-maxi-zoom-dweebie, Judd!

JOHN: Mmm…no, Emilio, that one's just plain weird.

_(The five of them are sitting in a circle now…)_

JOHN: Claire, are you a virgin?

CLAIRE: No way I'm telling you that!

ALLISON: I screw with my shrink a lot!

CLAIRE: --to herself-- how can I compete with that?

JOHN: So you ARE a virgin!

CLAIRE: You caught me.

ALLISON: I am a virgin too. I'm a compulsive liar…damn, Brian, you're so cute!

BRIAN: Thanks! No…wait…d'oh!

CLAIRE: You suck.

ALLISON: I just told you I didn't!

ANDY: I have a confession. My dad makes me win like a racehorse. In truth, I don't wanna be an athlete. I wanna be a…a dentist!

JOHN: Wrong movie, Sporto!

ANDY: Oh, you're right. I wanna be…a football star!

CLAIRE: I thought you were a football star already!

ANDY: No…just a wrestler.

JOHN: Major difference!

ANDY: Fuck you!

JOHN: Fuck you!

ANDY: Fuck you too!

JOHN: Fuck you three!

ANDY: Fuck you times ten!

JOHN: Fuck you times infinity!

ALLISON: **_WE GET IT!!_** (_Everyone stares at her.) _BOO!

ANDY: What are you here for, Allison?

ALLISON: Nothing. There was nothing better to do and I figured "Hey, I might as well scare the shit out of a few people in detention!"

_(Everyone laughs)_

CLAIRE: Wow, that's funny!

BRIAN: Hilarious!

ALLISON: I'm serious!

_(The five kids get up and dance to new wave music like no one cares. After that, Everyone is laughing like old friends.)_

CLAIRE: John, what did Vernon do to you earlier?

JOHN: He locked me in the closet behind his desk and told me he'd beat me up.

ANDY: I think I saw a porno like that once. _(Allison stares at him, then Claire stares at her.)_

CLAIRE: Common!

ALLISON: Why?

CLAIRE common! _(They go into the AV room and Claire makes Allison over.)_

ALLISON: I feel like a wet Malti-poo.

CLAIRE: Andy won't be able to resist you now!

ALLISON: I actually was going for the long-haired one, but whatever.

CLAIRE: Well, he's mine!

KRISTEN: He's MINE!

SADIE: No…he's MINE! _(Claire, Kristen, and Sadie get into a catfight over John Bender. Meanwhile Allison sneaks off and meets Andy.)_

ANDY: Whoa mama!

ALLISON: You really like?

ANDY: OH YEAH! _( Brian is writing furiously at his desk)_

ALLISON: What's with Brian?

ANDY: I made him write our essay for us.

ALLISON: That's mean!

BRIAN: Andy promised me a date with Claire if I did it for him! _(Just then, Claire and John enter, lipstick all over John's face and neck. Claire has a black eye thanks to Kristen, and a cut forehead, thanks to Sadie…NEVER interfere with the goddesses! ) _Oh god!

CLAIRE: John and I are a couple!

BRIAN: HOLD UP! Cut! Cut! CUT! Mr. Hughes, I can't take much more of this! Every movie, it's the same! Virgin geek, virgin geek, virgin geek! What next, am I gonna play a priest? Common, let the geek get some!

HUGHES: _(Off screen) _In the next one, you'll play a HORNY virgin geek, okay?

BRIAN: Okay! _(Vernon comes in)_

VERNON: Go home, I gotta be at Chippendale's in an hour for my shift—I mean…oh…at the Rest Home….visiting my…um…just get the hell out of here!

ALL 5: HOORAY!!

_(Outside, Andy and Allison kiss, and she rips his patch off his shirt)_

ANDY: You owe me a ten-spot for that, you know!

ALLISON: Up yours! _(They kiss again and leave. Brian comes out next and groans getting into his car)_

BRIAN: I'm joining the frickin' union after this one, I swear! Hughes is goin' down, the bastard!

HUGHES: You know I'm right next to you, cameo-ing as your father, right?

BRIAN: Shit. _(They drive off. A crash is heard seconds later, followed by a few car alarms. Meanwhile, John and Claire kiss.)_

JOHN: I love you.

CLAIRE: Well I love…

KRISTN and SADIE: ATTAAAAAAAAACK!!!!!!!_(Claire is pinned to the ground by Kristen and Sadie. John stares at the catfight on the ground, shrugs, and leaves, crossing over the football field on his way out.)_

**THE END (?)**


End file.
